I guess everybody is lonely.

It's been a while, not had a laptop. Just moved to Manchester and I think it's time to start thing's again. I always thought that now and then i could come back to this whenever i felt like it and just process my words into ink, but it never felt right. Maybe it was the thought of comfort. Maybe it was the thought of stable routine; Wait till it's dark, light a few candles and a fresh incense stick just to elaborate on the aroma of lavender. Lay out a large skin and load it with your weed and tobacco, hold it in your hands and roll it gently then lick to keep it held together. Hold your lighter to the end of the spliff... inhale.

Eyes are closed. 

Eyes are open.

With an infusion of essences in this box room gathering around the air and holding onto the walls, we know we are both in this for the long run tonight, holding the walls. There is one thing missing though and that is the music, so you click toward shuffle and choose the album named 'For Now'. That's why it's been a while. I guess we are both back if you are reading this. It means a lot, but please... Stick around because without you there to read these.. My words are as lonely as I.

Looking outside i see trees and i see the blue sky whimpering behind it. The blue is shaking the leaves to try and get in the picture, but the trees withhold. Most say that it's the wind moving the branches and the leaves, but the wind is the earth's breath. It's sharing the silent words between the constant mass of green and blue. One single tree will always be more breath taking than the sky. I walk up the moor being misguided by the pebble road which had been disguised by the loose rocks thrown by children, and i reach this one single tree on the side of a trodden hill. I wonder if my feet are walking in someone's footsteps as each time my foot touches those 40 or so blades of grass, they almost lay in a bowing form, knowing which way to fold. I see that tree and i think to myself how many little girl's have came here to hold a bear tea party. How many broken hearts had cried into that tree seeking console, and to take anger into it's weak bark. The runaways that know that this is the only place to have an escape. How many names had been carved into that tree. And how many names carved out, "Meet me at the old withered tree at dawn and we can run away together."

Am i stood in his position? But there is no sound, not even the faint whistling of the sky's breath. But the words in my head almost elevating me in a balloon motion as they gather. The words gather a sentence as though it were magnets on a fridge, and it spells out to me what most had thought.

'Why Are You Here?'

"Your here and i try to wonder why,

I can't even hold your hand or take you with me so...
Why are you reaching out?

Lowering your eyes and alibi's as to why you advertise these cry's when a meaningful show is televised.

You look up and down and hold that frown as the hurt and pain will hold their crown.

So get them off that high horse because your stronger.

You know why your here so you have to push,

Why close your eyes and start to hush?

I'm still here and i'm not going anywhere until your with me but to do that you have to open.

I take it back and i'll hold your hand.

Please just care and for god's sake be there, look in my eyes as you graze my hair and stare...

Call me beautiful...

You met me at the wrong tree and we only have little time to leave this place so pace. 

Silly boy, you aren't in someone else's position. 

You were just barefoot and naked. That's how little you are with me. But now your filling your shoes.

Take my hand, we haven't got much time"

I dunno

Your always on the plane when you finally decide where your going. you never know before hand but you just seem to sit in that chair and at that very moment in time you decide whether it was a good idea or not. i always seem to wonder why when you do get on and your sat in your chair, the first thing you do is look through the opposite window; as if yours is'nt good enough.

Its the most exhilarating feeling when your in the air, how all of a sudden you have gone from being scared to taking off, to landing. But whats the difference, we are always going somewhere. And no matter whether we land or we take off, we could always fall.

The sun hits you, the cold hits you, but where are we. Are we always in one place or is there any chance we just missed a bit and we're back where we started; Did we even leave in the first place.

I was stuck, i could'nt get to where i wanted to go even tho it seemed so easy to get up and go in the first place. You spend your life being scared to make a decision, nothing can push you, then something pushes you and at this time everything happens. Its almost as if you have been given a chance to run away and miss the true things that will always be inevitable, or you stay and think what if. There is always gonna be that chance. Do you take it? I took it, i dunno what i could say about it.

Your stood in the middle of hundreds of people, alcohol infused, lights hitting off your face and a strange aura of plywood. What is going through my mind when im hundreds of miles away wondering whats happening two hours away. If i leave now will i be in time? Does the time difference make up?

Its cold, its raining, but that's just my expression, and the tears running down my face. I've been here far too long and its time to get back to where i wanna be. If i go do i come back? I remember walking down that pier to where my friends are and its as if everything is happening so slow that im walking down the aisle of a plane, is time catching up with me. I see people smiling, and people grasping my hands in gratitude of a greeting, but the pier is getting longer, and i can see the old timber far off into the sunset where the smell of sea salt clasps my eyes shut. I can recognize so many smells and feelings that my eyes still wont open, but my legs cant stop feeling agitated. Something is pulling me forward, so much my eyes are opening by the glaze of the sunlight, my movement breaking speed against the wind, I see the end of the pier, the end of the aisle, my arms are spread and there is nothing holding me back but the strong force of the wind. My nostrils flaring with intensity causing my top lip to couple with it as my cheeks pull back.

I'm enthralled with ecstasy streaming through my smile.

I'm running, running, running.

I jump.....

Nothing for a short while but its all still there.

Then as if i plunged into the deepest depth of water with the overwhelming feeling of freshness, i realise its not water surrounding me, Its what i wanted in the first place. To be surrounded by emotion, that smile, those arms. I took the leap.

you know that feeling when your listening to a song that you don't like or your not that keen on but you know that the same artist has released some of the most beautiful songs ever written, then all of a sudden that song comes on and you start with a snared grin. You get used to this grin and it fades after many times of hearing this song, but you still get worked up and your heart pounds as chords get more powerful, as if your heart is beating in time with the drums. In this case my heart was the drums, And the heavy beat is bringing me forward, that's what had me running along that pier. Its something you recognize. Something about you, and this song was far too familiar for me to be away from. And just like you, its not the end of a song, or the end of a pier. Because songs never end, they just introduce the next. And there's always gonna be enough wood in the world to build my pier.

I just want you to know

A poem is meant for many lines,
But i have three,
I hope you fucking die.

When is daytime?

What is it that they just don't understand? is it something to do with the fact that everytime you put what you see as an eternity of commitment into following what your meant to believe in, it proves you wrong.

Im sick of being a disciple to this stupid contradiction. Why should i put a song on and straight away not know what the hell to do with myself because it draws a memory of something i want. Something that hasnt even happened, or that i just don't know is actually happening catches me in this state where i dont look at the screen, i discard my eyes away from it as i cant bear to look, i need to look down and gather myself, but my ears are facing the bright light that is left as my screen.

Im so in pursuit its unreal.

You have people reading and watching telly but yet why cant they just focus on one thing.
I do it myself.
What right do i have to therefore complain about losing my line or attention, because i wanted to know what a fictional character in a made up show was apprehending. I prefer a book, you cant fall in love with a film.

Dont you think it is just lovely when you are with lots of friends and one plays a song that everyone knows apart from you and you feel like the guy in the corner, but yet because your friends show such enthusiam and grace in what they are hearing, you just want to smile and pretend to know the song. I go home and i listen to that song, and i dont force it, but it makes me smile. Dont you thing anything that makes your friends smile, is worthy of making you smile.

Would you like to understand something??

The reason its always me with the ideas to do stuff, is because it gets to me when i see these tagged photos of such great times, and why wasnt i there? I would invite you. These days everyone has a mobile phone unless your a crazy drunkard who loses it whilst not cooperating with the laws of alchohol. So why is it so hard to go to 'messages','compose'? Your weak, friend.

One thing that just stops me and makes me grateful for everything is.... my friends, friends.
How extraordinary is it when you open the door for someone you dont know because everyone else is either too intoxicated to move or just cant be bothered, and you nervously introduce yourself to this unbeknownst person. Yet, you realise that half way through the night, your sat on top of a wardrobe with this person telling them your most prize secrets and the abuse in your life. That is where words like beautiful come from.

Have you ever realised you were staring at something and had to blink so bad it hurt your eyes, then you rub your eyes and lick your lips as all moisture has run dry.

You dont know it, but there is some photos of you that just amaze me, sometimes more than you actually do. but never more than when i part from your lips to admire you. Your eyes, glued to me, wondering why ive stopped, such astonishment. Your chest raising and lowering, deep breaths. Your lips still pouted as if still in an embrace and the only thing that is stopping me from losing myself in you; what i want.
Maybe asking to lay in bed afterwards and holding you would be asking too much, but that would mean your mine. It all happened in a second, but anything can happen in a second, and for that im thankful.

This means nothing. Its only nothing compared to everything else that can be shared.

If i had a girlfriend, i would take her bowling in america.

Re-live it with me, gentle notes

'Play'
A gasp of breath and two seconds space between my finger and the button,
From what was a silent gasp becomes a breath with a hand closure.
You've got it, captured to be rekindled at any given moment, Eyes close,
Your lips curve around the cheeks.
Though mine, only dismay my lashes to shade the wrinkles under my eye.

How come you can display comfort from this but yet im afflicted?
'Pause'
Let me gather myself,
Gracious, its what is going through me that shows on my barrier.
You cant see me cry, i wont let you, i can relate, dont take me back there, please?!

You can try and press play as much as you want but the sound wont come out,
Totally, and unconditionally enthrawled in this pause.
You have a face of endure, but yet, you seem sewn with grace.
My palms relax from my thighs, and i hear music,
I was in total awe.



Wow...





Your, beautiful.


No music, but its still play,
But im just looking at you, and i lean my knee to my cheek to guard.
Im painting a picture,
With no pastels but full of colour,
With no ink but outlined,
And its your smile, with woven hair draping down your right eye, through your neckline.

Your name replaces the name infused in the lyrics,
Gather myself, but why?
The melody is coming to a close but why does the music always stop?
There's always a pause,
And within that pause, your not here anymore.


There was no smile on my face, because i dont have you.
No more outline, no more colours.

'Stop'